I’ve always wanted a testimony.
I’ve never been one to have a “story” to tell. You know the kind, about how
your life was in shambles and it was turned around by some miraculous event?
Well, now I do…
Remember the story back in the
first chapter of 1 Samuel? Allow me to jog your memory. Hannah was the wife of
a man named Elkanah, well one of his wives. His other wife was named Pininah,
but Hannah was Elkanahs favorite. The sad part is: Hannah was barren. She was SO grieved by this. She wanted nothing
more than to bear her husband a child. Elkanah loved Hannah so much that it
grieved him as well. He once said to her, “Am I not worth ten sons to you?”
That’s me. That’s MY story; my
testimony. I am Hannah. Well, I am Halley, but I have become Hannah. I have
been barren. I have wanted nothing more than to carry my husband’s children. It
has been my deepest and truest dream.
My husband has asked similar
questions. Why is he not enough for me? Why can I not be happy with him
regardless of children? Well, I think any mother could answer that question.
But I KNOW that any woman who has experienced barrenness can relate to me and
to Hannah.
It’s not that we aren’t happy with
our husbands. It’s because they make us SO happy, that we want a little piece of
them for ourselves forever. True, when you walk down an isle and promise
yourself to another, you vow to give yourself wholly to that person, but the
truth is…there will always be some streak of independence within each of you,
however tiny it is.
When a woman carries a child, she
carries a piece of her love with her for 9 whole months. She carries a part of
him that is grown and nurtured inside of her; a piece that no one else can care
for, or love more completely. In this
divine burden, she gives herself wholly, and completely to her husband’s seed,
and so to him as well. This is something that can never be taken from her;
never be doubted. There is evidence of her husband’s love for her in every step
of the process; every piece, every part.
The beauty of the whole ordeal is
miraculous. To be chosen to be a mother, a testimony of your husband’s love, is
such a miraculous blessing. One I had come to think I could never experience.
Unlike, Hannah, I had
modern-medicine to think about. Granted, I didn’t want to. I was bound and
determined to wait it out and watch the Master Physician create a miracle in
me. However, the wait continued to lengthen. Months turned to years, years into
more years, until finally 5 years had passed.
Over the course of those years, my resolve had buckled. I had tried
various medications and procedures; underwent several surgeries, but I REFUSED
to consider IVF.
IVF was such a scary thought for
me. Not to mention, I felt like if I did it I would be relinquishing all of the
faith I had, however small it might have been at the time. I didn't want to "steal" my blessing, as Jacob did (Genesis 27). If God was going to bless me, I wanted Him to do it without my help. Plus, I didn’t want people
referring to my child as a “test tube baby” nor did I feel comfortable with a
man-made child. Never say never right?
When we had exhausted all other options,
I started doing the research. I gathered advice from several professionals,
friends, and family members, just to get some nicely rounded thoughts. I
decided to go and talk to my fertility specialist about IVF and all it entails. What I learned was that it’s actually quite a
miraculous process itself. I encourage you to look in to it if you haven’t,
even if for no other reason than curiosity. This site offers great information.
My husband kept reminding me of the story of a man in a sinking boat. You may have heard it. He begins sinking and cries out to God for rescue. A helicoptor, a boat, and one more thing come along to save him, and he refuses all of their help claiming that God will rescue him. Well, he ends up drowning, and going to Heaven. When he gets there, he asks God, "Why didn't you save me?" God responds, "I sent you THREE things...why did you not use them?" I heard it, but I didn't listen to the words.
Then, I was walking one day, in the Botanical Gardens at Riverbanks Zoo, and God spoke to me. He said, “See these beautiful flowers? Are
they any less beautiful or appreciated because a man planted them?” That got me
thinking...
Still, I had my doubts. We went to
church that Sunday and we heard the message of the blind man whom Jesus healed
using mud and spit. The
pastor was talking about the fact that if that blind man could choose to have
God perform a miracle, he probably wouldn’t have chosen to include spit. Then
he said, “But you know, when God chooses to perform a miracle, why complain
about how He does it? I mean, a
miracle is a miracle…right?” That was for me. That was TO me. I felt it down to my very bones. I was given
divine instruction.
So, my husband and I made the
decision to do it, to try IVF. That was in the Fall of 2013. I was so excited
because I always wanted to get pregnant in the Fall so I could have a Summer
baby and not have to miss work. Well, I don’t know why I hadn’t learned to stop
getting ahead of myself, but I hadn’t. After the egg retrieval, I had four
fertilized eggs, ready for transfer and… Hydrosalpinx.
Hydrosalpinx? I’m so glad you
asked, is a disease in which one or both of your fallopian tubes are blocked.
When they are blocked, you become infertile. So, my dream of being a mother was
once again put on the back burner, and in its place a Hydrosalpingectomy of my
left fallopian tube, and the freezing of my four baby eggs.
When the surgeon opened me up, he
not only found the blocked left tube, but also a blocked right tube, and an
abdomen FULL of endometriosis. In fact, the surgeon said he wasn’t sure how I had
functioned on a day-to-day basis with such a severe case of the disease.
Long story short, I had both
of my tubes removed and much of my abdominal cavity scraped to remove
endometriosis. I had a 2 month recovery before I could even think about giving my baby eggs a home.
It was one thing after right after another. It seemed like this process would
NEVER end. Maybe I wasn’t supposed to be a mom after all?
January finally rolled around, and
the 2 month recovery period was done. So, I went back in for a check-up and was
pleased to hear that we could start the process up again. We began the
monitoring process, but because I’d already done half of the process before my
surgery, I no longer needed ANY medication. Whew! What a relief!
When the time came, to do the deed,
we drove to Charleston to have one of the eggs transferred. Because I am
young, that was the doctor’s recommendation. He told us he would thaw one at a
time until one survived and that would be the one transferred.
Thankfully, the first one they
thawed survived. It was actually quite a blessing to be able to witness the
whole process. Technology is amazing. I was able to watch the egg as it grew to
the mature size in my ovary, then watch as it was fertilized and cells began to
divide rapidly into an embryo, then watched that embryo be transferred into my
uterus. (Not many mothers can bear witness to this part of the miracle.)
(This little blob is the embryo that was thawed and implanted. Amazing to think THAT is what each of us looked at one time! How can anyone deny the existence of our Creative Creator?!?!)
Then,
we waited…for 9 days.
