I would be lying if I told you that when I heard the news I was happy. In fact, it was one of the most devastating announcements I have ever had to experience in my lifetime. Immediately, upon hearing it my heart exploded into a thousand pieces and the floodgates of tears were unleashed.
Up to that point in my journey I had fought that devastating feeling with success. Up to that point, no one in my family had gotten pregnant. Yes, it was hard to see the friends around me growing swollen with expectant babies. Yes, those days induced some tears, frustration, anger, but none of them compared to finding out that my own sister would be experiencing motherhood before me.
I knew in my gut that she was going to tell us she was expecting. I just knew it. I'm a nosy person. I asked. I ruined the surprise for Cierra. I'll never forgive myself for that...but at the time, that was the last thing on my mind. I remember the phone call like it was yesterday. Cierra was obviously upset because:
1. I had ruined her surprise
2. It was just as hard for her to reveal it as it was for me to find out (She knew about my struggle and my pain, and Cierra is a very tender-hearted, sensitive creature; always has been.
So, when I answered the phone it was to the voice of her oh-so-perturbed-with-every-right-to-be over-protective-husband, Sean. He said, "Well, you ruined it. You were right. She's pregnant." Immediately, I felt guilt, shame, embarassement. But mostly, I was sad. So unbelievably sad for myself. I wanted to be the one to make that announcement. I wanted to be the one to surprise my family with a new addition.
I immediately called Kevin, my wonderful supporter, who has never allowed me to wallow in self-pity, because I knew I needed a pep-talk. He comforted me as best he could, told me he loved me, and then hung up. Then I was alone. Just me myself, and I to deal with the tornado of emotions inside of me.
I got to thinking, and praying, and I realized (very quickly) how silly I was being. I mean, this was CIERRA we're talking about. Sweet, innocent, docile, precious little Cierra. The one who God first allowed me to be a big sister to. I loved her so completely, there was no way I was going to let this get in the way.
Cierra was always such a sensitive little fragile thing, even from birth. From the first moment I met her, I knew she would need protecting. So, that's what I became for her. That big, mean, over-bearing, older sister who was always there to fight her battles for her (just ask Sean). Mom always called her a porcelain doll. It was such a beautiful description of her. So, beautiful and fragile, you want to stick her up on a high shelf so no one could ever harm her.
THIS was the Cierra who was telling us she was going to have a baby! THIS was the fragile creature who God saw enough strengh and faith in to bless her with a beautiful little miracle! How could I be so selfish as to taint this exciting time for her? With that little reminder, I was off to see my first little sister, to comfort her and let her know that I was okay. That I was happy for her. That I loved her...though it pained me greatly to do so.
When we arrived at Cierra and Sean's house, they were expecting us, and had laid out the ultrasound pictures. Those pictures took my breath away. I fell in love with my niece. Never had I seen anything more precious, and I realized this was a God-sent gift to Cierra and Sean, but it was a gift to me too. I knew that this little baby might be the closest thing to a child I would have, so I made up my mind to pour all of my love into it that I possibly could.
The day she was born was a day I will never forget. I saw her sweet face and immediately every single emotion I had ever experienced in my journey came bubbling up to the surface again. I held her and cried for what seemed like forever. For my pain. For my happiness. For my very brave little sister. Because that baby was so beautiful and precious. Because I thought I was as close as I was going to get to that experience. But all that pain was worth it to hold that little miracle-girl. She was so beautiful, and fragile, and precious...just like her momma. And just as I did on the day I met Cierra, I knew that this was a little girl that I would go to battle for.
She has grown so much in just a short year! She has brought so much joy to our lives!!! Her little personality is really starting to shine and I can see her momma's strength in her. But I can also see her momma's beautiful sensitive spirit. That spirit that captures everyone around her. I'm so proud to be her Aunt Hay (if you can't already tell from my newsfeed)!
I know as my little Addi V is introduced to her equally precious cousin Elsirae, there will be a major adjustment period, for ALL parties involved. But I also know that they're going to be two peas in a pod before long...just like Cierra and I. I'm sure very shortly the gang will be growing my leaps and bounds, and I'm so excited that I get to participate in that! God is SO good! He is SO faithful!!!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY PRECIOUS ADDISON VIRGINIA!!!
I love you more than words can say!
<3 Aunt Hay
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